Why did the Romans seek to invade this cold, wet and inhospitable far north western corner of Europe? What did we have that could attract a multitude of invading Italians wearing nothing more than fancy headgear, leather skirts and sandals, and yet hellbent on conquering this forgotten corner of Europe?
Oddly enough, it was Saint Even's fault that the Romans had heard of Scotland, but to get here they had to trample across Gaul and Angle-land to reach us.
Tales of the civilising influence that Saint Even had brought to this once blighted nation had reached the ears of emperors and empire builders, and in a bid to enrich themselves and their nation they sought to invade and conquer Scotia.
And so they came bringing trade goods and kind words, which soon turned into battles and slaughter once they realised that the Scots could not be bought cheaply. They were initially offended that all they could barter for their pizza and pasta was sheep's entrails and raw spirit. There was a belief within the Roman ranks that the Scots were having them on, trying to swap cheap goods for quality items. And so the Romans turned on them, in an attempt to extort by force where persuasion had failed, the secret of the Scottish diet.
What was it that made the Scots such noble warriors and fierce fighters? Indeed it was the staple diet of deep fried porridge. It was this unique dish that did for the Scots what Spinach did for Popeye. The term 'batter' comes from the ancient Scottish word to vanquish - "and the Scots they did smite and batter the Romans sorely" - and it was 'batter' which was used when on the march to coat the solid lumps of porridge before it was 'fired' in a pot containing boiling oil and eaten out of parchment along with an accompaniment of sliced and cubed fingers of potato, which were invariably seasoned with salt and vinegar, and brown sauce. This was invariably washed down with an effervescent, orange coloured, non-alcoholic beverage which was brewed from lumps of iron ore.
This indeed was the Scots' secret weapon and one which the Romans sought to discover, but the Scots fought so valiantly and fearlessly that the Romans were repelled and sought to cut off this warlike race behind their Antonine Wall (which was knocked down before they could finish it!) and Hadrian's Wall which didn't last much longer.
It also marked the failure of the Romans' attempts to discover other Scottish secrets. They only had wine and amaretti, the Scots had whisky and shortbread, they had sunglasses and sandals, the Scots had tweed caps and Shetland ponies, they had boxer shorts, the Scots wore - nothing!